Put Down the Camera and Help Me!

Why is it that when you do something stupid, some people’s first reaction is to grab the camera?

I will tell you why: Because they are EVIL!

I was having one of those wonderfully productive days, checking one thing after another off my dreaded to-do-list.

Next on my list: fix loose piece on dishwasher. This should’ve been an easy task – just a dab of glue.

Well, the good news is: I fixed it!

But since that day, almost ten years ago, I am not allowed to use super glue without adult supervision.

[Please ignore my disheveled appearance]

By now you have probably guessed what happened. If not, here it is ... the whole idiotic truth.
I superglued both hands together, AND to the dishwasher. Like a lot.
When I yelled for help, what I got was my kid with a camera.
I may be smiling in this picture. I agree, it was funny at first.

When I said get your father, what I got was, "Hold on!"
"What do you mean hold on? Come back!"
She returned a minute later with the phone to her ear. "Yeah, both hands," she giggled.
"Who are you talking to?"
"Grandma."
"Hang up the phone and help me."
"Grandma, I gotta go."
"Thank you. Now go get your father -- I'm not kidding around."
"Hi, it's Lexi--"
"What?!"
She lowers the phone, "I'm calling your friends."
My daughter is pure evil.
Her father was only slightly less helpful.
I was stuck to that dishwasher for an hour and forty-five minutes. [No lie!]

Was My Face Red?

A handful of customers wandered the drug store aisles that night. No music played over the air and conversation was at a minimum – prime condition for a loud mouth blond to make a fool of herself.

I was 23 years old, newly married, and dirt poor. So, browsing the drug store was our big night out. My husband went one way and I went another. I picked up some decongestant and continued on; scanning the shelves for some sort of ear-flushing kit (not knowing if that sort of thing even existed) but I wanted clean ears.

Then right at eye level, I found it: Ear Wax Removal System. Yes, it does exist! (It took little to excite me.) It was a very small package, with a very small (0.5 oz.) bottle of drops, and it was like ten bucks. So I continued, looking for a better deal. On the bottom shelf I found a system that advertised “Extra Cleaning” and it was only about two bucks. Good deal, and look at that – 7.8 oz. – more for the money.
I grabbed the box off the shelf and went to find my husband.

“You know how you’re always saying I can’t hear you,” I said from the other end of the aisle. Then I held up the box to show him as I approached. “I’m gonna get all that gunk out!”
He looked confused. “With an Enema?”
“Yes silly, it’s for your ears,” I announced. Then looked down at the box, back at him, and naively asked, “What’s an Enema?”

Happy New Year!

I am so excited about 2010. I have plans and goals, and sadly I feel like this is a first for me.
I feel like I’ve gone through most of my life being clueless.
Just like my 16th birthday, when my mom, with the help of my best friend, threw me a surprise party. Not only did I not pick up on the numerous slip ups by invitees, but I kept thinking we were all going to a school dance.
Then there was the unexpected, “Let’s leave early and go to the mall before the dance,” my friend said.
Okay, that sounds fun. No flags.
Then the sudden “I need to use the bathroom can we stop at your house?”
Okay my house was closest. No flags.
How about all the cars parked on the street in front of my house. You’d think, but no flags.
How about when I saw two of my friends at the bottom of the basement stairs -where our family room was? Still nothing. Well, worse than nothing.
I turned to my friend and said, “I wonder why they’re not going to the dance.”
She looked at me blankly. I realize now that she was waiting for it to HIT. It didn’t. “I wonder why they’re hanging out with my mom, when I’m not here.”
I didn’t figure it all out until I was dragged into the room filled with kids, and I saw a banner that said, Happy Birthday Michaele!
“Oh, I get it now!”
It took the words –in black and white - to get through to me.
That’s what it felt like when I started writing my first novel. “Oh, I get it now!” I only wish it didn’t take so long for me to figure it out. But now, I’m where I want to be in life and I know that 2010 is going to be a roller coaster ride for me. And as much as I hate roller coasters, I will bravely get in the car, and pull down the lap bar. Then as I look to the car ahead and the car behind, I see that I’ve got family and friends who are ready to take the ride with me.

My Early Employment Experiences

When I was a teenager I had several different jobs - none lasted very long. I was a server for a catering company. I had a short stint as a music DJ, doing weddings and school dances. I delivered balloon bouquets dressed as a clown. And last but not least – for a very short time – I was a cashier for a parent teacher educational supply store (which also included some religious items).
My official statement regarding my abrupt departure from the store:
I was just supposed to ring people out, but they left me alone. It was not my fault that I offended that lady. I thought she was saying Doritos!
I’m referring to the little old Jewish lady, who asked if we had dreidels. Of course that is not where our exchange ended. The lady insisted we should have dreidels. I insisted we don’t, nor do we have Fritos or Cheetos, or any other kind of potato chips. Yes, I bow my head and admit that is what I said. I was young and clueless. And she clearly did not have a sense of humor.